I did not post this past weekend because the past few days have been really difficult for me. The day of the clinical trial was long and I came home and collapsed. The Big Man and I were at Dana Farber from 7:45 am until 7:00pm. We got breaks for lunch and a break from 4:30 to 6 so we made some time for a little blue plate special. We have been married for 8 months, but it feels like 80 years. Big Man gave me his arm as he helped me out of the car. We went to a place we knew well so we didn't even look at the menu. I may have ordered for him, I can't remember! We had juice and water instead of cocktails. The only thing missing was a perm and a cane.
Then we came home and I slept. I'm still sleeping, as I type this I am sleeping. It turns out "flu-like" symptoms can be code for really really killer. I have had excruciating back pain since Thursday. The oral chemo pills are causing the back pain, so unfortunately it is getting worse each passing day. I can handle one or two days of side effects, but to wake up each day and have the side effect get worse, with no end in sight, that is mentally and physically debilitating. To top it all off, I went in yesterday for blood work and was told my platelet count had fallen. I don't know what that means but the nurses asked if I've had nose bleeds. Now that is the one problem I don't have...and most certainly don't need! So today I did something I have never done before, I called my doctor and cried. I said, after only five days, enough!
I don't know what this means. I go in to see the doctor tomorrow. Perhaps I can stay on the trial and we can tailor the dosage? Perhaps I can stay on the trial and just get the one drug. Who knows? All I know is, I am emotionally and physically exhausted. My arms are weak. I am shaking. Just getting out of bed has been difficult. I can't sit up straight for long periods of time.
You know when people ask not to be kept alive on machines? This is what they mean. I don't want a life like this. Life like this isn't worth living. So, we're going to try something else. Cancer may have won this battle, it hasn't won the war!
So, I spent the past few days catching up on Grey's Anatomy's Season Finale. Ever since my diagnosis five years ago, I have become a huge fan of hospital dramas. I've never watched General Hospital, but it isn't below me. Grey's, ER, even Private Practice. I realize now more than ever that these are my people. This is my show. And it makes me feel good to watch people like me still manage to have love affairs and a spicy life. The hospital is my world. I'm a walking Grey's Anatomy, except I am not a surgeon, but that is a minor detail. And wouldn't you know that, yet again, Grey's manages to put it all into perspective for me. Not only was the season finale amazing television, but it made me feel better to boot!
My day could be worse. Even though I can't get out of bed without pain. Even though my husband cries watching me hurt. Even though I'm throwing in the towel after only five days. Things could be worse. There could be a crazed gunman out for revenge in my hospital. And there's not. So today is a good day, but tomorrow, when I am off these drugs, will be better!