Tuesday, May 25, 2010

You May Have Won this Battle....

I did not post this past weekend because the past few days have been really difficult for me. The day of the clinical trial was long and I came home and collapsed. The Big Man and I were at Dana Farber from 7:45 am until 7:00pm. We got breaks for lunch and a break from 4:30 to 6 so we made some time for a little blue plate special. We have been married for 8 months, but it feels like 80 years. Big Man gave me his arm as he helped me out of the car. We went to a place we knew well so we didn't even look at the menu. I may have ordered for him, I can't remember! We had juice and water instead of cocktails. The only thing missing was a perm and a cane.

Then we came home and I slept. I'm still sleeping, as I type this I am sleeping. It turns out "flu-like" symptoms can be code for really really killer. I have had excruciating back pain since Thursday. The oral chemo pills are causing the back pain, so unfortunately it is getting worse each passing day. I can handle one or two days of side effects, but to wake up each day and have the side effect get worse, with no end in sight, that is mentally and physically debilitating. To top it all off, I went in yesterday for blood work and was told my platelet count had fallen. I don't know what that means but the nurses asked if I've had nose bleeds. Now that is the one problem I don't have...and most certainly don't need! So today I did something I have never done before, I called my doctor and cried. I said, after only five days, enough!

I don't know what this means. I go in to see the doctor tomorrow. Perhaps I can stay on the trial and we can tailor the dosage? Perhaps I can stay on the trial and just get the one drug. Who knows? All I know is, I am emotionally and physically exhausted. My arms are weak. I am shaking. Just getting out of bed has been difficult. I can't sit up straight for long periods of time.

You know when people ask not to be kept alive on machines? This is what they mean. I don't want a life like this. Life like this isn't worth living. So, we're going to try something else. Cancer may have won this battle, it hasn't won the war!

So, I spent the past few days catching up on Grey's Anatomy's Season Finale. Ever since my diagnosis five years ago, I have become a huge fan of hospital dramas. I've never watched General Hospital, but it isn't below me. Grey's, ER, even Private Practice. I realize now more than ever that these are my people. This is my show. And it makes me feel good to watch people like me still manage to have love affairs and a spicy life. The hospital is my world. I'm a walking Grey's Anatomy, except I am not a surgeon, but that is a minor detail. And wouldn't you know that, yet again, Grey's manages to put it all into perspective for me. Not only was the season finale amazing television, but it made me feel better to boot!

My day could be worse. Even though I can't get out of bed without pain. Even though my husband cries watching me hurt. Even though I'm throwing in the towel after only five days. Things could be worse. There could be a crazed gunman out for revenge in my hospital. And there's not. So today is a good day, but tomorrow, when I am off these drugs, will be better!

14 comments:

Maley said...

I'm hoping you can renegotiate your treatment and kick the poison to the curb. In the meantime:
1. House MD (season 1 is pretty fun)
2. Nip/Tuck is raunchy and involves boob surgery :-)
3. Highest recommended: not a hospital drama, but "Veronica Mars: Season One" is addicting and good. You won't WANT to leave your bed!
Sending sweet thoughts your way,
Maley

joan said...

Bridget, you are not throwing in the towel, you are merely changing it to a fresh one!

You continue to inspire me.

Love you to pieces!

Jennifer said...

Joan said it best. It was a great seeing you tonight. Sending you virtual hugs to replace the real ones I wouldn't give you.

Jennifer

Myrna said...

There is nothing to say but you do what is best for you. I have faith in your decisions. I continue to keep you in my heart and prayers.
With love and admiration,
M

Anonymous said...

Bridget,
You will make the right decision and we are praying for you...morning, noon and night. You have no idea how you are being prayed for around the WORLD.
Lots of love,
Janet and Johnny

Joni Rodgers said...

Peace, strength, and comfort to you, Bridget. And thank you for so candidly sharing your journey.

alison said...

So proud of you for listening to what your body is saying...seems like it wants to go another route! it takes courage to listen and take action. I'm so glad you'll find the treatment that will be best for you. Sounds to me like you actually won this battle :)

lj said...

Bridget, one day at the time, angel girl! If that's too much to consider, one minute at the time.

I have been reading all the past postings of your blog. You are an inspiration and a writer to treasure. Keep writing, sweetheart.

gimaof17 said...

Bridget,

I know how brave both Timmy and Joan think you are and after reading your blog I know why they think that. My prayer is that you are going to win this war - small battles don't count. Timmy & Joan know just who they are walking for and why. You are well worth their support.
Joan's mom

dbelle said...

Hi Bridget!
I just read most of your posts. You write beautifully! It's fun to see your pictures. I'm glad you are sharing your feelings/experiences/bravery through this blog- I'll be back to read more. I'm thinking about you and I wish you good health, the very best!! xo- Dinah B.

Shop Without Money Sisters said...

Bridget,
I'm sorry the treatment is leaving you feeling so horribly. I remember treatments where I would lie in bed for the next couple of days, just staring. I couldn't watch tv, couldn't read and couldn't sleep. I just could not move. i would just stare and wonder if I was ever going to feel better. I have never experienced the pain you are describing, though, and I hope they can tweak your meds so you still get the good killer cocktail without feeling so lousy.
The Grey's Finale was awesome, wasn't it? I was glued to the couch, couldn't move, mouth gaping open like an idiot the whole time! I never cried, but I wouldn't have believed I was breathing if I wasn't still alive.
Heather

Alli said...

I just found your blog and all I can say is you have to watch "Nurse Jackie" lol

Don't look at like giving in, not happening just trying a new tactic!
My best love Alli XX

Elicia said...

Hey Bridget, check out Miami Medical. I came across it purely by accident. It's another great show. I too am addicted to Grey's and Private Practice. Love them! Love you! Love you're honesty! Love your determination! We all have your back. Don't ever think you are throwing in the towel...having gone through what you have in the last 5 years is more than most endure during their lifetime! You are my hero and at 45 I can only hope to be a fraction of the person you are at the age of 26.

Jennie said...

FIght your battle your way, Bridget - your reinforcements are waiting to fight with you. There's another way, and you will find it. BIG HUGS, HON!